“I didn’t just lose my spouse; I didn’t just lose my marriage—I feel like I lost my church, too.” That’s the heartbreaking cry of many who’ve walked through divorce. The question we as the church must ask is, “How do we respond? How do we minister to hurting people well?”
Twenty years of Christian counseling has taught me that no two individuals or marriages are the same. Though biblical principles are universal, applications are unique to the people and their circumstances. Attempts to provide cookie-cutter answers can be insensitive toward the complexities one might be facing and, in the end, might do more harm than good.
My goal is to offer a biblical lens for a challenging subject—how the church understands, relates to, and cares for those who have experienced divorce. Naturally, we begin in Genesis, where the story of marriage is introduced.
Why Marriage Is So Sweet
We read in Genesis 2:24 that marriage is a union between one man and one woman where they become one flesh. Our marital mathematics is 1 + 1 = 1. God put this oneness together to go far beyond physical intimacy. It’s about the covenantal and complementary union of a man and woman—socially, emotionally, legally, and spiritually.
Being made in God’s image as male and female does not mean sameness but equality—within a complementary design (Gen. 1:26-2/8). Thus, the nature of the marital relationship (two persons, yet one flesh) was shaped by our heavenly Father to reflect the image of our triune God (three persons, yet one God) in a way we could not do on our own.
God intends that marriage reflect the oneness found within the Godhead. It’s no wonder Satan intentionally moved to destroy the union God made between our first parents (Gen. 3). Our fall into sin inclines our hearts to rebel against our Creator. We reflect our image rather than his through our selfishness and sin. What was intended to display the beauty of our triune God is now twisted to find in a spouse what can only be found in the Savior. When we feel as if our expectations are unmet or when our spouse is not the savior we had hoped them to be, the marriage is strained. It can break under the weight of selfish and sinful actions and expectations.
To guard against this, we seek and sustain marriage with God’s purpose in mind. A sinner saved by grace approaches marriage saying, “Through Jesus, God has shown me amazing grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love. I’m called to pass this goodness on, especially in my marriage.” The beauty of the gospel is that, in a way that was impossible before the fall, marriage can now display God’s power through forgiveness, reconciliation, and restoration within a covenant, just as Christ loves and forgives his church, with whom he is in a covenantal union (Eph. 5:22-32). When two Christians marry, they have the opportunity to live out the unique oneness of marriage and the gospel of Jesus Christ. Our marriages should make it easier for others to believe the gospel.
Why Divorce Hurts So Much
All this gospel beauty does not mean we are unaffected by our sinful nature or immune from the evil one who continues to attack marriages. As we live between garden gates and heaven, we experience brokenness, bitterness, and betrayal in marriage that can lead to divorce. When divorce is experienced within a family and within a church family, there is not only the spiritual, emotional, and legal aspects to be addressed, but the social aspect as well.
Though divorce is devastating for many reasons, one reason is it breaks the marriage math of 1 + 1 = 1. Divorce divides the one back into two separate lives. Now, 1 + 1 = 2. The oneness of marriage involves trust, intimacy, a shared history, expectations for the future, roles, responsibilities, and more, where our identity is intertwined with another. When that oneness is broken, healing can be slow. Finding your personal identity apart from the former spouse can be difficult. When the oneness is broken, there are ripple effects as immediate families change, extended family relationships experience tension, friendships are stressed, and church life feels complicated and uncertain.
The Church’s Calling To The Brokenhearted
It’s important for the church to recognize the shame and struggles people face during divorce, as well as the insecurity and isolation that might make it difficult to even walk again through the church doors. It is common to be plagued by questions and fears that might include wondering what life looks like being single, what the future holds, and whether one will lose one’s church family now that one’s family no longer looks the same.
The church is called to understand and shepherd such fears. It recognizes that though divorce might have broken the covenantal bonds of a marriage, the church must not add to that brokenness by breaking another covenant and abandoning a brother or sister in the Lord. We, through Christ, are bound to one another in an everlasting promise based on his love and faithfulness. Satan would love to reinforce lies and isolation through the means of the church. Though divorce breaks the oneness in marriage, it does not remove a person from God’s everlasting covenant in Christ.
What It Looks Like To Keep Covenant
So, what does this call look like practically? Here are a few suggestions:
- Encourage gospel-oriented counseling.
- Provide tangible expressions of care (meals, child care, car maintenance).
- Discourage gossip; instead, communicate a commitment to walk alongside those who are hurting.
- Minister through presence and listening, making space for grief and hurt.
- Encourage healing through what’s called “the ordinary means of grace” (for example, joining the church in worship, hearing God’s promises in his Word, prayer, etc).
- Recognize those hurting as brothers and sisters in Christ instead of labeling or defining people by divorce.
- Reinforce our identity in Christ, the Spirit’s work, and wisdom’s slow pace. Discourage the temptation to rush into another relationship to experience oneness prematurely.
When life feels fractured and uncertain because of divorce, it can be the steady covenantal presence of the church that becomes the embodied reminder of the gospel and declares that Jesus will never leave you nor forsake you. When the church understands the covenant promises of God, it can minister to those who have experienced the heartache that comes when a covenant has been broken.
And when the church responds this way, we find that it, like marriage, can make it easier for others to believe in the gospel.