I was pleasantly surprised to see John at church one Sunday. I caught up with him just before he left the building. “So good to see you here this morning, John!” He looked at me with a cynical grin and said, “Yeah! And the church is still standing,” as he scooted out the door.
Later in the week I stopped by his auto repair shop for a visit. After comparing our recent fishing success I asked him if he would explain his parting comment from Sunday. “I figured that got your attention, Pastor. It’s nothing, really,” he said.
“Oh, I’m not letting you get off the hook that easily, John,” I replied, returning his grin. He looked at me in a frozen pause and then signaled me to follow him into his messy office where he offered a more heartfelt explanation.
John told me that he came to worship that Sunday because he had had a bad week and thought he would “give God another try.” But he wondered if when he walked into the church, feeling so much like a hypocrite, God just might topple the roof down on top of him. He was half kidding, of course, but he also was telling me something true and serious. I could count on one hand the number of times John had been to church in the past three years. That was his pattern since his profession of faith at age 17. He is now 42.
After high school his parents divorced, and John seemed to get lost in the chaos of that sad event. He drifted into a lifestyle spotted with alcohol, losing jobs, unfaithfulness in his own marriage, and his wife divorcing him. He’d been arrested a couple of times for drunk driving over the years and spent a few months in jail. He had always been told by his parents that he was the black sheep of the family, which became a self-fulfilling prophecy. But eventually John went to AA, quit drinking, and, being a hard worker, grew a successful auto repair business. Most people in town liked John because he liked people and was the “kind of guy who would give you the shirt off his back.” But he believed that he’d burned too many bridges to the institutional church and always felt like he didn’t fit in and had not been forgiven for his reckless living.
Interestingly, at his mom’s request and with his permission, the church never removed his name from the church directory despite his lack of involvement. As a result, he occasionally got a phone call from a church elder checking in with him, which he cordially received, but he always side-stepped any further discussion about his spiritual life. John was discussed at elders’ meetings, but nobody knew how to get through to him to draw this “stray sheep” back into church fellowship. They just shrugged their shoulders and went to the next person on the pastoral need list. In the four churches I have served, each had a few “Johns” who kept a safe distance from official discipline but yet remained connected to the church by a thread.
Ministry to the “stray sheep” of a congregation is slow and difficult. But there are a few things the church staff and members can do as they prayerfully wait for the Holy Spirit to do what only he can do, which is to energize John’s spirit to thirst for a deeper walk with God.
The first is to more fully understand the spirit of a person who is avoiding God. Why is avoidance necessary for them? It is simply to feel safe from confrontation. Most “stray sheep” have enough biblical teaching in their bones to have a conscience about God. Just like John imagined the timbers of the church building toppling down on him as God’s judgment, they sense the dissonance between where they are spiritually and where they know God wants them to be. I wanted to tell John that God loves him and will forgive him for his sins, but neither did I want to remove that dissonance that the Holy Spirit, no doubt, was using to draw him closer. I mostly listened.
Second, for the same reason John’s name remained in the church directory, we can intensify their sense of belonging to their home church by attempting connection consistently through the years:
- With their permission, keep them on the church mailing list for social events, mission trips, parties, special worship services etc., so they are always informed and feel invited.
- Invite them to play on church sports teams or other church recreational activities.
- Use whatever helping skill they possess in the church’s diaconal outreach. In John’s case, ask him if he would fix the car of a single mom whom the church was trying to help.
- Train the congregation to greet them warmly but casually when they do show up for worship or other events, not making a big deal of their infrequent presence.
- The pastoral staff and elders should address any crisis events in their lives with the same intentionality as they would for any active member of the church. The issue of avoidance should not be considered and the need for offering pastoral care should be assumed.
- The elders might ask the person if it would be okay if an elder or pastor “checked in” with them annually, just to “stay in touch.”
- Most of us realize we have not walked in the shoes of our stray sheep, and there is much to understand about them and their life in order to make a fair assessment about their spiritual health. Spiritual avoidance is rooted not only in our inherited sinful corruption from Adam and Eve, but also in our formative relationships and science—genetic, psychological, and medical science. Seeking to pastorally tweak the soul of a stray sheep without consideration of such realities might lead to spiritual malpractice. That is not to say that only professional caregivers can help. But it does mean that earnest and patient listening is very important for bringing about appropriate care. And we can all do that!
Finally, church staff and church members must be willing to admit that the institutional church does not always do ministry well. We have all heard horrendous stories from people who have been mistreated by clergy or judgmental Christians that drove them out of church fellowship. There might be need for repentance, confession, and forgiveness on both sides of this ministry.
We must appreciate the biblical teaching that “there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous persons who do not need to repent” (Luke 15:7). As God uses preaching the Word to bring about saving faith, he also uses our long-suffering kindness, prayers, and sensitivity to draw stray sheep back to the flock.