I am growing resentful of my spouse because I feel like I am doing everything alone, and it’s not getting better. What do I do?
I see this often in my clinical work. I’ll give an example using the man as the “lazy spouse,” but wives can fill that role too: A couple has difficulty negotiating their roles in maintaining the home and caring for the children. The wife calls him out and asks for more help. Sometimes there is change for a moment, but often things go back to how they were. The wife resumes the meal planning and preparing, schedules, cleaning, bedtimes, and emotional caregiving of the children. This is often in addition to a full-time job. Although the husband is contributing in other ways, he might further be accused of being on his phone too much, not taking initiative in caregiving, not expressing himself, and retreating to the garage or extra tee time with friends. The wife grows increasingly exhausted, loses hope, and asks for therapy or a divorce.
The breakdown can come from a couple sources.
- Parents are busy: Many mothers choose to or must work to make ends meet. Some people didn’t see their mother working outside the home while also meeting the needs of the home; thus many couples don’t know how to negotiate roles and work together in today’s world.
- Technology is distracting: Phones provide us with a space to dissociate and retreat. This can become an addiction, disrupting connection and communication.
- Unappreciated effort: Men and women can place value on contributions differently. Often, both spouses are doing meaningful work, but it can go unappreciated. Sometimes appreciation is just as valuable as the work.
It takes time and work to learn how to communicate and negotiate needs in marriage. Accusatory statements that start with “you never” or “you always” often lead to defensiveness, justifying actions, and explaining exceptions. Using “I” statements (“I feel … when you … because … .”) are typically more productive.
Sometimes we must unlearn old fears, habits, and ways of communicating or relating. Learning and unlearning can happen through godly mentors, Christian therapists, reading, and finding biblical examples of God’s truth, kindness, grace, and forgiveness.
Marriage takes work, especially during challenging seasons of life. Waiting too long to ask for or receive help makes healing harder. Pray for your spouse and see your heart soften toward him/her. God has good plans for your marriage; the work is worth it.